well, i'm kourtney, 15 years of age. i've read a bit through some of the entries in this community, and i feel very connected to some of the things said. there is an empty space inside of me, that cannot be filled no matter what i do. i have severe trust issues, and i feel as if i will never have anyone to care about me. i have so many longing questions about life and my which i will never find answers. and these questions keep me up at night. i have a fucked up past, present, and most likely future. my mom has suffered physical and emotional abuse from my father whom she is still married to...i have suffered severe emotional abuse from him. my parents don't trust me, my dad is a drug addict, alcoholic who will never change his ways. i've had my emotions played with by many people who seem to think i'm stable enough for them to do that. i'm not. my grandmother died of cancer when i was a ripe old age of 8, and my cousin died of the same cancer a few months ago. he was only 22. ever since then, my ENTIRE family has been falling apart bit by bit. as if i haven't always been screwed up enough, the only people i have ever felt loved me, have pretty much abandoned me, or gotten so caught up in their own problems these days, i just don't matter. it's hard, having no one, but i manage. all of these problems are just some of the major ones i have endured, and through all of this, amazingly i have restrained from self mutilation, drugs, and smoking. but believe me, it hasn't been easy convincing myself not to do these things. i know this is long, but hey i'll stop.


well im beauty. im 15. and idk alot of things are going wrong for me, and i dont want to tell anyone cuz of how they might judge me upon the other "normal" kids. idk,i'm exactly a "self-harmer" just more of a person who will do it on SUPER depressed days. i've only tryed to kill myself once,which now that i look back was a real shitty way. idk. i just need good advice or sumthin. it sucks not having anyone who TRUELY understands. and i guess this is why i joined this community to find someone who can maybe sorta or realate to this and help me.

idk anymore.
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    the used.

(no subject)

hello anyone and everyone
wow i was thinking....LJ is here so people can come on line and let stuff out..well i haven't really been doing that. i seem to have a strange fear that people will find out who i am and tell people the things i write. i have a really big secret (did i spell that right?) that i'm scared to tell. i don't want my friends to hate me. i wish i could believe that they would understand...and i'm sure that they would...but i can't...i was thinking of getting another LJ but i wouldn't feel like myself when i write. i'm sorry if all of this sounds stupid but i am stupid so thats the only way i can write. in a way i don't care what people think but in a really big way i do care. i tell myself that it doesn't matter. i'm really scared that my parents would find out. they would freak..i'm sure my dad would never parents are stuck in the past they are so closed minded that i want to scream. i think i'm going to go crazy! now i think i'm going to change the subject now...

school is almost out and i'm so ready to get out of here.. i'm staying at my grandparent's house until sunday. my parents are at the beach and i guess they don't think i can take care of myself. huh...i don't think i can either... well anyway...i have to check something out so i guess i'll go now.


just saying hi! my name is jacinta and i thought this looked intersting, i shall post more at a later stage.
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    busy busy

(no subject)

hey everybody who's into goth, metal or rock go to

the bands name is Dead Star Assembley and there fucking awsome!!!! so go check it out!!!they are on tour as we they may be coming to you soon...or they already passed your ass in which case means if your that desprete you'll have to chase them down...
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    Dead Star Assembley

(no subject)

hey ppl...I'm brand new to this community and i decided that the best way to get to know ppl is to introduce here goes...
i'm Melissa, but i usually go by Mel..
I'm 16 years dying..
umm....ok..i'm not very good at talking about if there is anything you want to know...feel free to browse true my user info page..i faound this community and thought it might be interesting to join and see what there is to see...looking forward to reading what you all have to write and i'm always open to comments and opinions...ttfn..
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what's new?

just sayin hey. seeing what's up with all. i have absolutely nothign better to do. i start school back monday. my junior year. some one kill me now. it woudl be a huge favor, promise. anyway..... life sux, i'm tired. it's all good. why the hell do i say that all the time? i never mean it. my own sarcasm is getting on my last damn nerve. is that bad? i think so. ok my fambling now makes NO SENSE. and my insanity is now assured to all. laterz
muchos love
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    some random instrumental crap on Z103


hey. i'm courtney. i'm 16. i just joined this community bc i wanted to talk to other ppl that were jsut as fucking bitter as i am. :) i have a past that sucks ass. my mother is very very ill. we live off disability and very small child support checks. growing up my dad was physically abusive to her and emotionally abusive to me. not to mention a drug addict and alcoholic. his 2 brothers were more of fathers to me than he will ever be. one now has cancer (which is also what my grandmother died of) and is refusing to take chemo. he could die. ain't life peachy? oh, and i don't trust guys bc at 13 i was raped by my first bf. not to mention abused. wow... no wonder i hate most guys. there are a few i trust. my best friend. he's amazing. i love him more than anything in the world. he's pretty bitter too. but it's sexy on him. i'm a poet. i'll actualy be published in a few months. tht's pretty cool. i've gone from meaningless relationship to meaningless relationship in the past year. and when i actually found some i wanted to be with.... he chickened out. i struggled with drugs and alcohol from the end of 7th to probly the middle of 9th (tho by then it was substantially better). when i finally got off pain killers i started smoking. now i've quit that and am clean. but life is pretty dull being clean. but my mind's clear. and i have total control of myself. i like that. but yeah. that's just me. my story. i need ppl to talk to. so please, be nice, say hi
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    g-n-r: welcome to the jungle