Kourtney (beautifulloser6) wrote in brokensouls,
Kourtney
beautifulloser6
brokensouls

new..

well, i'm kourtney, 15 years of age. i've read a bit through some of the entries in this community, and i feel very connected to some of the things said. there is an empty space inside of me, that cannot be filled no matter what i do. i have severe trust issues, and i feel as if i will never have anyone to care about me. i have so many longing questions about life and my purpose...to which i will never find answers. and these questions keep me up at night. i have a fucked up past, present, and most likely future. my mom has suffered physical and emotional abuse from my father whom she is still married to...i have suffered severe emotional abuse from him. my parents don't trust me, my dad is a drug addict, alcoholic who will never change his ways. i've had my emotions played with by many people who seem to think i'm stable enough for them to do that. i'm not. my grandmother died of cancer when i was a ripe old age of 8, and my cousin died of the same cancer a few months ago. he was only 22. ever since then, my ENTIRE family has been falling apart bit by bit. as if i haven't always been screwed up enough, the only people i have ever felt loved me, have pretty much abandoned me, or gotten so caught up in their own problems these days, i just don't matter. it's hard, having no one, but i manage. all of these problems are just some of the major ones i have endured, and through all of this, amazingly i have restrained from self mutilation, drugs, and smoking. but believe me, it hasn't been easy convincing myself not to do these things. i know this is long, but hey i'll stop.
-kourtney
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